On Sleeping

These days we don't get much--but I am okay with it right now.

When Kennedy was born I was 21. I had no idea what I was doing. One thing I did know--never sleep with your baby. I never did. I may have fallen asleep feeding her once or twice, but I faithfully moved her back to her own bed every night. She was a snuggly baby, a mommy's girl from the second she was born, and I never felt like I was missing out by not letting her sleep with me. We lived in Alabama--2000 miles away from any family and I got to hold her anytime I wanted--letting her sleep in our bed was never a question.

Enter Spencer. I was 24 and still had no idea what I was doing. As a newborn he too slept in his own bed almost all of the time. Sometimes after Chris left for work, I would keep him with me for a little while--but for the most part his own bed. He was NOT a snuggly baby, and after having Kennedy be so attached, I felt kind of bad that he never wanted to be held. When he moved into a regular bed at 15 months, I used to sneak in and lay by him at night while he was sleeping just so I could hold him for a few minutes while he couldn't complain. Then, I don't remember when it happened, but he started waking up in the night. He would come in our room, and instead of putting him back, I just let him climb in with me. Chris was gone at the hospital so much that Spencer just slept in Chris's spot. When Chris was there, Spencer slept on top of me--literally. I got so used to it, that sometimes I would wake up in the morning and find him there without knowing he ever came in--and find Chris asleep in Spencer's bed. About 6 weeks before Addie was born, Chris finally put his foot down and said Spencer had to sleep in his own room--there was no way 4 people were sleeping in our bed. So even though I was tired, every night I carried Spencer back to his room--and it was NOT easy packing a 3 1/2 year old back to bed 9 months pregnant.

Then came Addie. I was 27. Honestly, I can't remember much about Addie's first few months of life. It was stressful. We moved houses 4 times in 6 weeks, family hopped while we were in the moving process, and spent a lot of time in the car. Chris started a new training program and was gone 100+ hours a week, and I also had some post-partum depression with her--those first few months of her life are a blur. I am pretty sure I just let her sleep with me--a lot. With 2 other kids and Chris gone all the time, I was just tired. She was our car seat baby and looking back, I don't think I got the chance to enjoy her enough as a newborn. She was pretty indifferent about being held--not a particularly snuggly baby--but looking back I am sad that I didn't savor those baby days a little more.

And now Benson, and I'm 31. When we came home from the hospital, I tried to have him sleep in his bed, but I couldn't do it. I remembered how I felt about not holding Addie enough, and didn't want the same regrets, so I just held him all night long. 5 1/2 weeks later I still do it. He starts out in his bed and usually lasts about 3 hours. Then I get him, feed him, and hold him the rest of the night. Partly because he tends to eat every 1 and half after that, partly because he's a noisy sleeper and if I hold him, I can sleep and hold the pacifier in his mouth, but mostly because I know that they grow up too fast. I know that no matter how tired I am, he will still keep growing. I am pretty sure Benson is my last little baby, and my last chance to snuggle a little newborn while they sleep. So even though I still have no clue what I am doing, I am pretty sure I won't regret holding this little guy--even though I am tired.

The other night when Chris was tucking Addie in she informed him that Baby Taco couldn't sleep in her chair--she needed to sleep in her bed just like Benson sleeps in Mommy's bed.

I've always heard people say, "You're going to spoil that baby by holding him/her so much." However after having 4 babies of my own, I am pretty sure when they are big and gone, I won't regret it.